Even late in the afternoon, hours before the supreme crisis,
he would have welcomed a clergyman, for he was already beginning to
be afraid. He would have liked a clergyman to drop in by accident; he
would have liked the first advances to come from the clergyman.
But he could not bring himself to suggest that the rector of St.
Luke's, of whose flock he now formed part, should be sent for. He had
demanded a lawyer, and that was as near to a clergyman as he could
get. He had been balked of the lawyer. Further on in the evening,
when his need was more acute and his mind full of frightful secret
apprehensions, he was as far as ever from obtaining a clergyman. And
he knew that, though his eternal welfare might somehow depend on the
priest, he could never articulate to Rachel the words, "I should
like to see a clergyman." It would seem too absurd to ask for a
clergyman.... Strangeness of the human heart!
It was after Rachel had fallen asleep that the idea of confession
had occurred to him as a means towards safety in the future life. The
example of Julian had inspired him. He had despised Julian; he had
patronized Julian; but in his extremity he had been ready to imitate
him. He seemed to conceive that confession before death must be
excellent for the soul.
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