The illness of the
princess has restored some energy to my soul. The injury to her foot,
which she at first neglected, has become very serious; during three days
she had a burning fever, which threatened her life. My anguish was
beyond description; I am sure I could not have been more uneasy had it
been my sister or one of my parents. I scarcely thought of the prince
royal during the whole of those three days; and what is most strange, I
no longer regretted his absence; if he had been here, I could not have
devoted myself so entirely to the princess. The idea of her death was
terrible to me, for, notwithstanding all the arguments of the prince
royal and of the Princes Lubomirski, I feel myself very culpable in
having withheld my confidence from her; if she suspects the truth, she
has every reason to accuse me of perfidy.... There is in this world but
one inconsolable evil, and that is the torture of a bad
conscience--remorse....
I hoped one day to be able to repair my wrongs toward the princess, to
fall at her feet and confess my fault, but when I saw her in danger, I
felt as if hell itself were menacing me, and as if I must be forever
crushed under the weight of an eternal remorse.... Another thought too
has distressed me to the very bottom of my soul! My parents are advanced
in years; if I should lose them before I have confessed my secret to
them! It is written above that I am to know every sorrow! Heaven has
cruelly tried me, but to-day a ray of pity seems to have fallen upon my
miserable fate.
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